In the Shadows

If there is anything that you will never be prepared for, it’s becoming a military wife/husband. I have been through a lot of hardships in my life, some I thought that might actually kill me and others that I have overcome with a smile and a brush off of my shoulders. But this one, becoming a military wife? Is by far the hardest one I have ever had to endure and the sad part is, it hasn’t even really started yet. I already know that I am going to get quite a bit of backlash from some of my readers for posting this, I can already feel it if I state how I’m feeling to other people who are serving, have served or are spouses, but please just hear me out.

When someone joins the military I understand that they give up everything to serve our country, even sometimes making the ultimate sacrifice. I just want to say that this post is not meant to be disrespectful in any way. My heart goes out to everyone affected by these circumstances and I have a very high and undying level of respect for those who have served and are serving our country. But I just want to take a moment to focus on those people who stand by their side, their spouses specifically. So military wives/husbands this one is for you.

Since this has become a rock solid decision that Dev is joining, so since October. I feel as though I have continuously given away parts of me to him, to his family, to the military, to everyone else but myself. My perception on a lot of things have changed and it’s for the better and honestly for the worst. I can not talk to anyone, no exaggeration here, about him joining without that person telling me about how I will or will not like it, how I have to act, what my role is, how I should respond to this situation or that one, how much I will have to give up, what I shouldn’t give up, how I have to keep my opinions to myself, my political ones in particular. It is exhausting and I am not even officially a military wife, so I’ve already grown to hate telling people about him joining the Air Force. Not because I have people trying to help me out, because I understand that is all these people are trying to do. But because when I go to reply to these people and tell them I understand, or my opinion on the matter not a single one of them seem to care. The worst part is when it comes from his family and I know someday they will find this blog especially the ones that follow me on social media so I do apologize but half of you are driving me insane. I don’t need to be reminded what my role is because all of you have made it painfully clear since the day this decision was finalized. Since he has decided to join the military what I wanted has gone out of the window, including things that pertain to my wedding but we won’t go there today. Thank you for constantly reminding me that all I am right now is a domesticated housewife serving as a pillar to hold up my future husband as he joins the armed forces. Thank you for that. So lets chat about what I have already given up so maybe some of you can gain some perspective on the inside of military spouse life, and again nothing has even officially started for us yet.

I am supposed to be in school right now finishing my bachelor’s degree. But because Dev is going to be shipping out in August for basic and training that means within the next year we are more than likely moving so I can’t start school, unless I do online but online school is limited for degrees and I won’t be able to do exactly what I want online, and I also thrive in a classroom setting. Also for the first 6-8 months Dev is taking a pretty decent pay cut for joining the military so I couldn’t afford to pay for school if I even wanted to.

Speaking of money, I have been looked over and had to pass on some pretty decent job opportunities that I have had because a lot of jobs don’t want to hire me mostly due to the fact that my stability is unpredictable as a future military wife. Why this isn’t a large topic of discussion is beyond me because I feel as though we need a support group just for job hunting, and if there is then please point me in the direction because I think it is friggin’ nuts. Although I have found a really good job that offered me a position last week that I hopefully will be starting ASAP. I am currently working for a job that continues to drop our pay as I am heavily based off of commission and our goals are higher than ever, etc. So I feel as though I have no choice but to look for another job, especially with his pay cut and us planning a wedding.

Our wedding, which I honestly can’t even get into in this post because this should just be a post all to itself. But seriously the stuff I have given up for this wedding is a joke. I am not a high maintenance person at all whatsoever. I never have been but there were always two conditions that needed to be met in order for me to ever get married and I’ve already compromised on these an immense amount and I wish I could delve into details but I can’t. If you’re in the military or are a spouse and are reading this I’m pretty sure you can guess what I am hinting at here.

Housewife life. I’m just going to say this once, and again this is not meant to be disrespectful at all, I am not a friggin’ housewife and I am not made to be one. I have always been a firm believer that everything is to be 50/50 in a relationship. I cook, you cook, I clean, you clean, I work, you work, I pay bills, you pay bills, ya feel me? But I have actual people including my future husband who think I would make a great housewife and think that is what I should do, that way I am always available for direct support. Just real quick, are you fucking kidding me? Either these people have no clue who I am as a person or they are just very, very sadly mistaken. Devon is the exception he thinks I’ll like it and it’ll be easier on me. As for the people that can just be a housewife/husband huge props to you. If I can do it but go back to school full time and finish out my degree and then go to work, I would be completely fine with that but as of right now that is just not an option. I will probably go insane if I am ever a full blown housewife, unless I have 5 more Corgis and start my own doggy daycare business then I mean maybe but even then I won’t be 100% a housewife.

Stability, this is a huge one for me. I never have wanted to settle down in Maine. I always have wanted to travel and see the world and settle down out west, always. But the key words there are settle down. I spent my entire childhood moving around. I went to four different elementary schools and moved a total of 8 times by the time I was in 6th grade and almost had to make it five elementary schools but my mom worked something out with the school district. I have never been in one place for a long time and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life doing that, but unfortunately that is going to become my life. If I ever have kids I have always said I wouldn’t put them through that because it was never easy for me, especially when I was younger. I was always the new kid and it was always rough. But Dev wants to travel as much as possible and it’s hard to voice my opinion on this when there is a crowd of people cheering him on and I’m the one person trying to be like hey I’ve done this and it sucks. Yes seeing all of these places would be amazing, don’t get me wrong. Especially different countries. But the packing, the unpacking, the trying to settle in but knowing that eventually you’ll just end up having to pack everything up and move again, so you leave things in boxes is my life and has been my life since I can remember. It becomes exhausting and you always make friends in these new places and some stick around even when you move but a lot, most of them, don’t, it’s hard and most of the time you feel alone. And I already know that’ll be me in this situation because everywhere Dev goes, he’ll have a secured job and people he knows, on the other hand I have to start over every time. But hey what do I know, no one seems to want to listen to me.

I have become completely dependent on Dev and I understand that this is bound to happen where we are getting married. I get that, but I am a very independent person, for me being dependent on someone is very uncomfortable so this is already a learning curve for me. It doesn’t help that I feel as though a lot of people are more concerned with Devon and what he’s doing and I’m just standing here in the shadows, left behind. I am just some support system meant to follow him around and lift him up when he’s weighed down, be his constant, his cheer leader, his partner.  Yet I am expected to give up so much and just hope that I make friends and develop support wherever we end up and wherever we go. I’m honestly not ready for this and I don’t know if I ever will be. For all of you out there reading this that might feel the same way, or even close, I hear you, I feel you. I am always here for you. For the people who are reading this thinking I’m just being a whiny whiner, for your sake and mine, don’t voice that to me.

Here’s to hoping that some day I am ready for this life.



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